How to deal with Bullies, Narcissists, and Toxic People

mindset Jul 04, 2021

Today's topic is going to get pretty deep really fast, but I also think that it's something that isn't really talked about much. All about how to deal with toxic people, narcissists, bullies, and keeping your sanity while also remaining true to who you are, so it's going to be really good.

 

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Hello, this is Ashley Drummonds, and welcome to the Phoenix Rising podcast. If you are looking for deep conversations that are going to help you feel inspired, empowered, more connected to yourself, and motivated to go create a life that you want. Then you have come to the right place. Today's topic is going to get pretty deep really fast, but I also think that it's something that isn't really talked about much. All about how to deal with toxic people, narcissists, bullies, and keeping your sanity while also remaining true to who you are, so it's going to be really good. I'm excited to get into it. As usual. I am so grateful that you are here giving me the opportunity to come into your day. So I hope that you just snuggle on up. If it's in the morning, I hope you have your tea or coffee and it feels like we're just sitting there starting the morning together if it's night time I hope you've got your favorite beverage, and yeah. I just want this to feel like we are side-by-side, having a conversation, all about you and your life. Really quick. If you are looking for products to help you create a body and life that you want. Your two options. Number one, I am coming out with a lot of new products under my business ABS, so go to ABSpancakes.com. Right now, you can get a free protein recipe book that I made. That's got over 20 recipes that are high protein. All-natural, really awesome, and delicious ABSpancakes.com. And if you just want more content around conversations like this of just, you know, inspiration, empowerment, motivation, mindset, all that fun stuff, then head over to AshleyDrummonds.com. But anytime new products come out, if you are on the newsletter, that's where I always announce it and first come, first serve. So I'll put the show notes or the link in the show notes so that you have that but now let's get started on today's episode. 

It is July 1st, you guys, I don't know if you feel it, but it feels like a first to me, all I mean by that is there has been a lot of stuff going on this week and it feels like everything has been put into motion. Which normally, I mean, we're going to get weird real fast. The number one is all about new beginnings and fresh starts. I have been seeing 1111, 11 11, 1 all over the place, which when I see that on my gosh, thank God, like, give me a fresh start and a redo in life, this'll be great, but so it's July 1st. It's a new month, a new week. I hope your week is starting off wonderful. If it's not, you're going to feel a little bit better after our conversation. I always like to kind of paint a picture when I'm recording these podcast episodes for you guys because we live in a world that's very screen and media-focused. So if there's any way I can make you feel more connected like you're not just listening to a stranger on a podcast then I will. So, to paint a picture right now, I have like I did before, I got some Palo Santo wood burning in the background. So we keep this conversation, nice, light and bright, and then I've got a candle, let's see what is this candle. This candle is Crackling Wood Wick. And the scent is Whiskey and Oak, and it smells fantastic. And then right next to that, I have a quartz stone. So this one's super special. If you don't know anything about quartz, quartz is the highest vibrating stone there is and it's not really a stone. It's more of a crystal. So it's highest vibrating stone, If you don't believe in this stuff, totally fine. You don't have to. I don't think you should believe in anything until you experience it for yourself. But so anyway, this one is very special to me because it is a stone that has been custom hand-wrapped. So when it's been wrapped like that, it just means that it's got like this gold kind of wire cages around it, that protect it. But also if I wanted to like hang it on a chain or anything I could, and it was custom wrap by my brother who as you guys know is one of my best friends. And he's also super intuitive, very empathic, very kind of like, just. Him and I vibe really well, because we're both kind of weird and quirky. But this is quartz he found as a child, which makes it even more special, because when we're kids like that's when we're the most like unjaded. Unjaded, the most innocent and the truest to ourselves. So he found this quartz and he's kept it this whole time and I guess it's been about five years, but five or six years, seven years ago I was going through a really hard time and he pulled out this quartz from his childhood and hand wrapped it and like gave it a ton of love and like meditated on it and everything and gave it to me as a gift. So I always keep this close by especially if I just want to like, you know, lift the mood or just like enhance the energy. So that's what you've got today. So, I hope you feel all the goodness that is going on in this room while I'm sharing this podcast with you.

But also I've got bear who's just a wonderful bundle of love and joy who's participating in this as well, so you've got love, light, a high vibration coming to you today. And it's going to be necessary because stuff we're going to talk about is not necessarily love, light, and high vibration, but I did want to talk about this just because I think it kind of is things that people deal with on their own. And I don't think we have anything on our own. If more of us would just learn to discuss things. All right. Exhale, let's get deep. How to deal with narcissists, bullies, toxic people in your life, in your work, in your relationships, and in your family. All right, so for each of these, I have very specific examples that I'll share with you for my own personal life of how I kind of have learned to deal with these things to hopefully help you. But there's a lot of stuff I want to get into just so you kind of understand the different things going on with these personality behaviors because I do believe understanding and knowledge is empowering. The more you can understand something, the more tools you have to make choices in the direction of what you do want. So when it comes to things like narcissistic personalities, which is probably similar to what I would say would be like a toxic personality. There are specific traits that are going on here and I would like the very first thing that I kind of want to point out is if you are afraid of being a narcissist. So if like I start describing things and you're like oh my God am I a narcissist? The fact that you even care if you are and you're concerned about it means that you're not because the first thing with narcissistic and toxic type of personalities. Is they literally have no concept of how other people feel. So a lot of their behaviors come from a very selfish, not selfless selfish place. Trying to dictate, control, manipulate people without any care in the world of how the other person feels. So the fact that you even care if you are that like just don't worry about it like you have feelings so you're fine. 

But so narcissistic personality can kind of be confusing to identifying. The reason it's confusing to identify is because a lot of times it can just come across as somebody who's negative and there are negative people in the world, that is a very different thing. So, to give you a very specific definition of what this is. This is the textbook definition of a narcissist, so a narcissist is somebody who will be cold and callous, but it's also deeply seeking the admiration, love, and attention of others, and they believe that they deserve it. They will also have a disdain for people and think that it's okay to exploit and dispose of other people and their feelings in whatever way they can if it helps them to get ahead and get more love, attention, and recognition. So in short, pretty much, it means it's somebody who could care less what they got to do to just feel like they are on top of everybody else. And if it hurts people, cuts people down, totally destroys relationships, families, society, it doesn't really matter because it puts them in a place of power. So if you think of people like Hitler, the amount of pain and destruction and cruelty that he had to do in order to be in a place of authority and power, didn't really care. It just gave him what he wanted. And that's, I mean, it's pretty much what a narcissist is other than that guy was also a sociopath and totally psycho. When it comes to bullies and toxic people, it's not a whole lot different because of a lot of things that all of these traits have in common which is what is going to be the bulk of this episode, is these are human beings who have deep deep amounts of pain, fear, and insecurity that has not been dealt with taken responsibility for or acknowledge. So therefore they then try to project these exact same things outward on the other people. So pretty much it's they feel weak and powerless so therefore they try to make other people feel weak and powerless in order to feel power for themselves. And I know that sounds very sick and twisted, but I can guarantee you have at least one person in your life who does this and it's probably caused you a lot of pain and you are like God, who would do this like what a cruel human being? Like why would you ever treat somebody this way? This is why. 

The problem with it though and why I want to do this episode is because narcissists and bullies, you think you can help them. You think you can show them the right thing. You can show them what they're doing and if you could just show them what they're doing, then they would stop. And the truth is, you cannot, unfortunately, it's a very confusing thing in like, there are so many therapists and psychologist that have studied this, and you can literally. So say you have a bully. Say, you have a bully who continues to bully other people and you are this kind person. And you are just like, God, this mother effer, like

 just will not leave me alone. What do I do to this person? I didn't do anything. The truth is, you're right. You didn't do anything, however, because they think they can get to you and knock you down, and make you feel like shit about yourself, it kind of fuels them and gives them power. You can turn around and say, hey, you're hurting me, knocking me down and make me feel like shit and you think if I tell them this, then they'll see it, and then they'll stop. But that's not what happens. Then they see it. And it fuels them more, because in a weird way, they kind of get off on your pain. So that's what you have to keep in mind. And that's something that you have to accept right away, which is really frustrating and devastating because most good people in the world and not that there's good or bad people. But most people, if they understand that they are causing pain to another human being, they immediately will stop what they're doing because they don't want to do that because they care. Narcissists, toxic people, and bullies are not that way. 

So, when it comes to dealing with narcissists, I feel like if you can get yourself in the mindset of recognizing that the way people connect in life who have this kind of personality, I don't like calling it a disorder. I mean, it is a disorder but it's more of it's pain. It's repressed, trauma and pain, and fear that they refuse to deal with. That is manifesting itself in this disorder. But anyway, the way they connect with other people is through people who will reciprocate the pain, the drama, the insecurities and the fear, it's the whole concept of misery loves company, right? So figuring to work situation, you have this Negative Nancy or just this person that as soon as they get there they're just always bringing people down and that or they're just like such an attention whore that you're like, God, like, you just cannot handle if we sit here in silence for 30 seconds, the attention is not on you. It's because they don't know what to do with that. They don't know what to do with that. If we're not talking about drama and everything terrible that's going on in the world. I don't know how to relate because this is all that's inside of me. If you are somebody who doesn't relate that way? You probably are either really pissed off and frustrated every time you're around this person or you constantly walk away, feeling drained, exhausted, and defeated, or you constantly feel like you're going to, well, I guess not necessarily abusive but kind of you feel like you're in an abusive situation, not really sure what's going on or how to get out. So I want to give you very specific examples and steps on how to handle this in your life while also establishing boundaries so that it's not necessarily that it keeps it from happening because you can't prevent things like this from happening. You can't just get rid of these people because you are not a narcissist. You are not Hitler. You don't just exterminate people who don't listen to you. But you can find better ways to handle them so you can take care of yourself

So were going to go over some specific situations because what I want you to understand is if you feel like you have this person and most people I've talked to you have some sort of situation of this, but if you feel like you have a person like this in your life and it's just continually, like, I cannot get them to leave me alone or I cannot get the situation resolved itself. I want you to understand one, you are not doing anything wrong to deserve that because a lot of people will take responsibility like what am I doing to attract us into my life? That's bullshit. That's not what it is. What happens is you become a mirror, and a light to people like this of everything that they are not doing that, you are doing so think about, if somebody is dead asleep in a room, it's pitch-dark, they're totally just passed out. You walk in and flip on all the lights. What's going to happen? They're going to get really pissed off and frustrated with you cuz they haven't seen anything bright and light in hours, right? The same thing in life, this whole world is full of people who are heartbroken, in a lot of pain, walking around half asleep, and you show up all bright and shiny full of love and light and happiness, and trust and confidence in yourself. What's going to happen? People like good God, like turn the light off. Like, this is so annoying. So you have to understand that. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, to be dealing with these types of behaviors. It means that you are almost like a challenge to people with this type of personality, and it infuriates them when they feel weak and powerless to see somebody who feels confident, empowered, inspired, who takes responsibility, who is working on themselves and who has self-love because it's a direct reflection of what they feel like they don't have. So therefore instead of them taking responsibility, they will then do everything that they can to make you feel weak and powerless and insecure and depressed and frustrated because it's the only thing they know to do. Cuz their other choice would be to take responsibility and step up and do the work in their own life, but nobody wants to do that. 

So, just always keep this in mind and with that knowledge and education that in itself if that's all you took from this, it puts you in a place of having a choice of how to deal with these people of you can either match the vibration that they're giving you or you can choose to see it for what it is and be like, "You know what? I'm sorry. That me being me is pissing you off, but I am in no way hurting you, inflicting pain on you, or causing any kind of disruption in your life and if you don't like it, that's your choice. But I'm not going to change who I am just to come down to where you're at, which seems pretty miserable and depressing". You have that choice. You don't have to participate in it. They want you to participate in it. So stop participating. Step back, take back your power, see the situation for what it is because I guarantee you, when you stop tolerating it, somebody else is going to come in and they're just going to put that on somebody else. That's just how these personalities work. So, let's get into specifics in regards to, I'm going to give you one around like dealing with this personality in your work, dealing with this personality in your family, and dealing with this personality in a relationship, or a friendship. So that hopefully there's some sort of nugget or information in one of these scenarios that you can take away and feel like you have tools to deal with this so that you continue to be who you are.

Alright, so we're going to talk about this in regards to a work situation because work is very confusing and frustrating because it's not necessarily like a relationship or friendship that sometimes you can just bring that to an end. This is your day-to-day life, your day-to-day job. And if you are around somebody who is a very toxic negative person or even worse, somebody who's a bully and a narcissist. It can really, really knock you down over and over again. So a very specific situation to this is a couple years ago I was doing fine wine consulting with very high-end clients, a very high-end portfolio, and like just really nice places. So, I mean one, the kind of professionalism you have to have showing up to this job is very different than a lot of other things that I've done but so the way the dynamic is is that you kind of it's kind of like being your own boss and being self-employed in that it's a hundred percent just like focused on you, your sales, your education and your ability to translate your education and belief in the product to people in the wine and spirits industry. And I actually had somebody reach out to me for this and offer they were like "Hey like you know, you did W set your level 3 SUM, we have this client who's looking for somebody who can just like educate people on this and like basically sell our wine", it was a really great opportunity, it was a lot of fun but so what they neglected to tell me, was that it was a split book set up. So split looks set up means that there is an entire book of clients and customers and normally in the situation, you would get the full book. You get the full customer list, full client list, and then it's just a hundred percent up to you to go out there, make some relationships, to make some sales which is what I prefer. I like not being responsible for other people's performance, I only want to be responsible for my performance. 

So I get into this situation, I'm super pumped and excited. Then I find out a few weeks in it's split book and I'm like, what the hell? Okay, so who's my split book partner? Split book partner means that you have somebody else and this is a really weird situation and a lot of businesses and I don't really get the point of it, where you're both responsible for the performance of your own particular clients and accounts. However, in a weird way you're competitors and you're partners because you're working under the same contract. It's a very weird setup so its kind of like I've got a hundred fifty bottles of Camus that I need to sell to a resort and I'm going in there but my split book partner now has a hundred and fifty cases of Nickel & Nickel, she's got to sell and there's only one account that we both know is probably going to buy it. Well now we're competitors. However, if I had met all of my sales and she didn't, we become partners and I help set her up with somebody who would buy her products. So it's really irrelevant. Just trying to explain the dynamic of this relationship. So here's what happens. I'm about 3 weeks in, I'm loving it, it's so much fun. I basically get to be my own boss. I get to go around and do high-end, wine and spirits and talk to people about something I'm super passionate about and like this is easy it is fantastic. After about a month into this I sit down with the contract, with the VP and he's like you're doing a great job. Like you're at 150% increase, here's your bonus. Like, here's this and this and I'm loving it. And then this is where it starts to happen. "Here's what I want to let you know though Ashley like you're doing a fantastic job. However, this is split book. Your partner is not performing the same way so if you don't mind since you've already hit your goals, can you just kind of help her out some?" I don't mind that. I'm like "Yeah sure, like, explain to me what I'm supposed to be doing". So they explain the situation to me. I'm like, yeah, I'll introduce her to some of my accounts. I know some people that will buy that, that's not a huge deal. Mind you, this person has been doing this job for probably eight years. I am one month in and here's what happens. She's been doing it for eight years. I've been doing it for a month and she's never hit the numbers that I've hit. Now, this is nothing about me and my performance. I did not know this though. It's kind of the whole thing of you don't know what normal is until somebody lets you know what somebody else has been doing. So now this girl looks bad because she's not hitting her sales goals and I'm coming in like this is so much fun. This is the easiest thing in the world. 

So her and I meet up for the first time and immediately she doesn't put me in my place, but attempts to put me in my place of like, "Oh yeah, you do that yeah, that's like beginners luck. That's the first month. Nobody can sustain that though. You're never going to last. Like I thought it was going to be easy to my first month in, but then you have this, this, and then it's season and then you get other competitors coming in". and I was like "Wow, that's a very negative attitude for you to have. I don't know why we're even talking about this. So this is just the beginning of something that snowballs into a nightmare of somebody to have as a partner. It's the entire thing of the better I did the worst she got. So it eventually got to the point where she was performing so low in comparison that the person in charge of all these accounts asked, if I would take her out on some rides and some calls, and let her observe what I was doing. Now, number one, I have a huge amount of compassion for her situation, because I would hate to be doing something for 8 years and then have some newbie come in and be like, "oh, hey, let me show you how it's done". So I get that. That sucks. And that really sucks and I even have that conversation with her. I was like, look, I totally respect you, you've been in this longer than me. I am not at all trying to like come in and make myself look a certain way if you want my help. I'll be glad to show you what I've been doing, but I am not in any way trying to like show you up. I'm just having fun. And I like, how much money I'm making, and I like what I'm doing. Like, I like my accounts. So we get in the car together. Non-stop cuz this went on I think it was like six months. I had to do this with her to help her with her sales all day, every day in the car, at accounts. I'm hearing about like her health problems, why she can't hit sales, all the crap going in her relationships, how much this job sucks which is why she's not performing. And I got so frustrated one day I finally told her. I was like "Look it sounds like you're having a really hard time and I am really sorry about it. But I'm going to be totally honest, I'm not really used to working with other people. I've worked on my own for a long time and I work best on my own so I think it may be better for us if we stopped riding together and I'll just meet you at a couple accounts. That way, like it's not taking up my whole day. I can still get done what I need to do. Whatever. 

So she doesn't like that, she thinks I'm mean and goes and tells half the accounts that I'm a total bitch and just. Which is just fine cuz nobody believed her. But so this isn't you know, how this happens in this work situation and again as I continue to do better and she continues to do worse, now she starts to spread rumors about how I'm doing better and starts like implanting these things with our differing accounts of like, "Do you wonder why it's so easy for Ashley to get these sales. Like she can't just be going into these accounts". So then it starts coming back to my reputation which for anybody who knows Me, if anybody's threatens my integrity or character, or who I am, I immediately will like all my niceness goes out the window and basically I just turn into like this. Oh no, hell no, I am not helping you anymore because I have been nothing but a hundred percent true and honest in this whole situation and the fact that now I've got accounts questioning my integrity because of you, this is stopping. This is coming to an end. So it get's to this point. So here is how I started to deal with it. And this is how you can try cuz I want to give you a series of events of what happened from this so one: I completely cut her off, just completely cut her off, if we were in a situation and I'm not kidding, this sounds really funny, but there were multiple times we were both the exact same account and I would be in the middle of talking to a customer and she would start talking to me and I would make eye contact as soon as she was done talking. Verbally, did not even acknowledge anything that she said or responded. I just went right back to what I was doing as if she didn't exist. Because what's happening is she's trying to get a reaction out of me? People that suck are trying to get a reaction out of you. So the less you react the louder that they get because they think by being louder or being more of a pain in the ass, hurting you, causing you more problems is all they can do to get your react because now they realize they have no power over you and I cant control you. 

So I did it for a few months. I just ignored her. She called me maybe 15 times every hour for no reason. Started sending voicemail, starts texting me. I'm not responding. I am not obligated to respond to you. I don't have to do this. So Step 2. I do this for a little bit and then she starts going to accounts and telling people that I won't help her. I blocked her number. I'm not responding to her. All of this is 100% true. It's not a lie and I acknowledge it. So I go back to this VP and I'm like "She's a hundred percent correct. I have stopped responding to her. I have stopped acknowledging her and I have refused to help her so she is telling the truth. Let me tell you why". So I present my case to somebody who can actually do something about this woman and I make it very clear to this gentleman. I said "All I'm going to say is I am bringing in 80% of your revenue. She brings in 20%, she is keeping me from bringing in a hundred percent of your revenue, if not 150%. And if you would like for me to continue to excel at what you reached out for me to do, then I suggest you remove the distraction that is causing problems, not just for me, but for you too and then I will surpass what I've already done for you. But as long as you continue to allow this behavior to exist, I will remove myself from this opportunity and go somewhere else". So that's step number two for you. Step number two. Number one, in case you didn't catch that, ignore it. Try to stay neutral because the less you react, the less control they have. It might make them more of a nightmare. Number two, is you try to alleviate this situation, you go to somebody, if it's work, who can do something about it from a very assertive place, you don't ever match the behavior, you don't then start to put them down, insult them, because then you would look just as much as a narcissist and bully as they are, you present who you are, what you are doing, and then you let them know. Look, I'm not going to tolerate this. It is your job as the person who owns this company to regulate this, if you don't, here's what I'm going to do, giving you the option, which is exactly what I did. Well, because of corporate situations and because of different things and Human Resources, because she never displayed this behavior in front of other people, which another narcissistic personality does is they will never show themselves to people of authority because they are doing, remember, they do things that they think will help elevate and make them look better and get attention and recognition. So they will never display their behavior in front of somebody who can take away that recognition right. So this is problem number two, she's not displaying this behavior in front of anybody, that can actually do anything about it, so therefore they can't do anything about it. And step number three, I remove myself from the situation

So here's the thing. You can always find another job. If you were in a situation that is toxic, that is bringing you down, that is unhealthy mentally and emotionally, get out. It's a job, and I'm not saying that it's going to be a challenge to find something else, but it's just not worth it, take yourself out of it because what's going to happen is somebody else is going to take your spot and that person is going to remain there and they're going to do the exact same thing to that person that they did to you. You cannot change behaviors like that and the faster you recognize that the less frustrated you'll become. So if you're in a work situation with somebody is who is super negative, super toxic and you're going through these different things. "All right so number one, I'm going to try and stay neutral and ignore it and see if they just like stop, leave it alone". Sometimes they do more than likely, they will not. It will infuriate them. Number two, if they don't go to the person above you, start talking to them about it. Be like, look man, we got to resolve this because it's causing problems, not just in the business, but also with relationships within the business. They don't do anything? Number 3, you take back your power, you take care

 of yourself, you leave the situation and you get yourself in a better environment. That is greater overall for your health, your well-being, and your happiness. All right. That's how you handle this in a work situation. It's not easy. I get that it's frustrating. But honestly, like, if this is something that continues to happen for long periods of time and you are choosing to stay in it at that point, I mean, you're choosing your own fate. You can't then like, what you've tried everything you can and giving other people the opportunity to make those changes for you and if they don't now it's up to you to make the necessary changes. All right, all right. 

So now we are going to talk about like, bullies, toxic people, narcissistic people in relationships. This can be a romantic relationship, this can be a friendship relationship. These are much more complicated mostly because in situations like this, this person is almost, it's a weird thing. And, I mean, this is everybody. Sometimes the people, we are the worst to are the people we are the closest to because they have shown us how much they love us. So in a weird way and I mean, I'm not saying that I do this I'm saying this type of personality does this. In a weird way because they know you love them so much. They almost feel as if they now have permission to be and treat you however they want because you have proven to them that you are loyal that you love them and you would do anything for them. So even if they cut you down, abuse you, threaten you, whatever, try and make you feel bad about yourself. They don't see any problem with it because you've already told them that you love them so much and people mistake love for permission to do whatever they want to do. And I mean it's the whole unconditional love belief. People misinterpret unconditional love to think that I can put you in any condition and you must love me. That is not unconditional love, and you also forget the unconditional love, isn't just about other people, it's having that for yourself. So I mean even if you have that belief fine, flip it to yourself, though. I love myself so freaking much that I won't put myself in a situation with you that you think you can treat me however you want. So keep this in mind is love relationships, deep friendships that you really love. Very, very challenging if you are in this because that person feels like they have permission to do whatever they want because you love them. 

Now it gets very challenging and difficult to set up boundaries and to assert yourself in this because I am going to bet you are a very caring and kind person. And the biggest thing I hear, so one it infuriates me anytime I hear about somebody being taken advantage of or bullied. I immediately turned into like Mama Bear. Whether I know you were not. I'm like nope who is this person? You tell me, if you don't have the confidence to put them in their place I will do it for you because it's not, okay? And you need somebody to tell them it's not okay for you to treat people like this. But what happens is it takes time and practice to build your assertive and confidence muscle up to be able to do this. The first thing you do, it's really scary but also because you're probably a very kind and caring person. The first thing people always say, when I'm like, you need to let them know, that's not okay. They say what? I feel bad. I don't want to hurt them. And here's what I have to say to that. Look before I say this, I'm giving you a big hug while I say this. All right, so if you say that like I don't hurt them. I feel bad. Stop caring more about how other people feel than how you let them make you feel about yourselfStop caring more about other people's feelings than your own feelings. Stop putting more thought into how you're treating them when they could care less about how they treat you. Because here's the deal is, if you care more about others than how much you care about yourself, then those people are always going to be the one that dictates how you're treated. When you decide, hey, I care about you but that doesn't mean that I don't also care about myself. Then people don't determine how they treat you. You set the boundaries and you let them know what is okay and not okay. 

And this is the problem. Our society has such a twisted view of what they think love is, you're not a martyr. There's no award for how much you can continue to love somebody who continues to hurt you. You do not have to do that. So if you're in a relationship or if you're in a friendship with people who take advantage of you, they abuse you, they constantly are putting you down. They constantly make you feel bad about who you are and are always telling you that you need to fix something about yourself. You are the only person who can stop them from doing that, and the only reason they're doing that is because they themselves feel like crap about who they are. So they're like, hey, let's not shine the light on me, and all my own insecurities and fears. Instead, let me just make you feel bad about yourself because in doing that we don't have to actually focus on my own problems. Instead, I'd rather make you feel like a problem. So like, especially people that have huge hearts and are kind and sensitive which I feel like In this life I came from like some past life where I was some, I don't know Amazonian woman or something of like, "Oh no, you are not going to like try and defeat the sensitives and empaths out there like these are the people we need. These are the people that are making a difference in the world that are actually showing up here trying to leave the world A better place, you the bullying, narcissist. You're the one that kind of forgot about this and maybe you fell asleep in this life a little bit, but let me just remind you what you do not have the power to do. You don't have the power to treat people however you decide just to make yourself feel better. And if you ever forget that, I will stand up for all the people who haven't quite gotten strong enough, yet to stay that for themselves". 

So, for you, you have to practice this a little ways. You have to build the confidence and the love for yourself that when behaviors like this happen, and here's a perfect example. So you go to somebody you love, a romantic relationship or friend, a situation has happened that hurt your feelings. And you go to this person you're like, "Hey, can we just talk about this? Like I know you probably didn't mean it this way. So going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I don't also want to have resentment and I want to be honest with you that when you said this, its really hurt my feelings". Okay. That approach. There's nothing wrong with that approach. You were letting them know the situation. You're given the opportunity to recognize like, wow, I did not mean to hurt you. How can we fix this? A normal, healthy, self-loving human being will see that and respond in a mutual kind of loving way of like oh I didn't realize that I hurt you. That wasn't my intention a narcissist, bully, toxic person instead of taking responsibility for what they did will try to make you feel like the problem. They'd be like "Look maybe you're just too sensitive. It's not my fault, maybe you need to quit being so sensitive" and the people like that I want to punch you in the face because that's not the problem. You think I'm too sensitive because you've totally blocked off your feelings and shut down that part of yourself. But because you don't acknowledge that, you're trying to make me feel bad because I do have feelings and it's not going to work. I'm not going to I'm not going to fall for your tricks, but that's what happens. 

So then you start to think like, "Oh my God, there's something wrong with me, I need to go fix myself. Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my feelings hurt". No, you didn't do anything wrong. It's normal to have feelings. This person just sucks and you need to let them know that it's not okay for them to convince you that something's wrong. So you give them opportunities on how to deal with this in a very normal healthy way, if they choose not to, you now have a choice of how to set boundaries and assert yourself. And here's a few ways that you can do this one. If it's a friend, I will let that friend know like "Hey look, I feel like we are not on the same page and some things and it just seems like right now, we aren't really seeing eye-to-eye or getting along and I do not want to continue to hurt you and I also don't want to continue to be hurt. So I think its best if we just take a little bit of space and I mean if we come back together as friends, then great, I mean, it sucks taking space but also like, it doesn't really seem healthy to stay in this" and you take space because now you've let them know "Hey, I don't need a friend just for the sake of having a friend, if you want to be my friend, these are my boundaries and this is what I expect. But if you don't respect that, then I'm going to take a step back. I'm not going to then lower my boundaries and lower my standards". Now you do this, I mean honestly you may lose some friends and it does suck because you're like "wow shows me how much they didn't care about me and how much I cared about them" and unfortunately like that's just life that happens, but you're making room and your going to feels so much better about yourself because now you're speaking up for who you are, you're speaking up for what you deserve, instead of just taking whatever you can get you're not a desperate person. There plenty of self-loving self-aware people out there who will see who you are, respect who you are, they will help bring that part of you out. Remind you of who you are and want to do the work in establishing healthy harmonious relationships with you. So if somebody is in your life that doesn't want to do that. They don't want to work on themselves, they don't want to grow as a human being. They don't want to show up as the person that you need them to be. That's okay because other people will, and that's the mindset you have to take. And that is how you build that muscle. You build that assertive muscle. 

Now, when it's a romantic relationship. So, here's a very personal story. Like I said, I would give you specific examples in each of them to help, hopefully, in case there's some sort of situation that is similar that you can relate to, so long time ago, maybe like, I don't know, 9 or 10 years ago. I dated this guy, he was super sweet, kind, nice. I mean just treated me like I walked on water. All right, so in the beginning and there's no red flags. Jeez, this guy is like really interested in making sure I know how much he values me. This is fantastic. Like that's how everybody wants to feel. So we start developing this relationship. I used to be somebody who fell in love very quick. I am not that person any more. I definitely take my time because of situations that I have been through. So it's been like 3 months, I'm really developing feelings for this guy. I'm also in my early twenties, so I don't know better, he's developing feelings for me and three months in he tells me, he wants to get married, and immediately is like, talking about kids and family. Now, I certainly have a little bit of a red flag on my, I fall in love pretty quick, but three months, I don't think we've even had a fight. If I haven't even fought with you once, like that, concerns me. So I'm like "No, like maybe, maybe one day, like maybe were headed down that path, maybe like that does work out but right now like I'm just enjoying getting to know you. Doesn't mean I don't care about you just means like I want to like see where this goes". First thing when I disagree with him, he immediately changes his behavior. And this is a sign. Anytime you disagree with a narcissist or bully or somebody who's toxic, their personality shouldn't change when it does. That's how you know, you're in a toxic situation. So this guys personality changes a little bit and this is weird. I've never dealt with somebody like this before this guy. This is weird, whatever. Maybe his ego is just hurt and hurt his feelings like he'll bounce back from it. So then there's a series of situations starts to happen. He's over-inflating his accomplishments. Another characteristic trait of toxic people and narcissists, they will over-inflate things they have done because it gives them power, recognition, and attention, and makes them feel more powerful than you

So he tells me he got his degree from USF and graduated Magna cum-laude. One, I tell him it's bullshit because I don't like, I'm like "You're pretty smart, but you don't really strike me as like that academic type guy. No, I don't believe you". Number two, tells me that he's got seven figures cash in the bank because he started spending a lot of money on me. And I'm like, this is, this is getting excessive and I know what you do for a living and I don't know where you're getting the money to do this. So I asked him like "How did you get all this money?" tells me he had this super successful business with this other guy, sold it made all this money, I'm like, okay, maybe but your mid-twenties like unless you're Mark Zuckerberg, that's kind of not common. So then certain things and conversations aren't matching up, so I'm like, and I would call him out on it. I'm like "You said, you said that you knew that person from high school but wait, it doesn't make sense because now you're saying you knew them from a job you used to work at", little things like that. Except for every time, I would start to question things, it would just make him angry, like, why are you getting angry? I don't understand the stories just not matching up and I'm trying to understand. Okay? Its because you're calling them out and they're bullshit. You're calling them out on stuff that they have no backup story for you. So one, I do a little Sherlock Holmes investigation. This guy never went to college. Never got a degree. Not shocked. I had a feeling, I don't confront him about that because now I'm curious of what else has been lied about. Number two, he's actually filed bankruptcy twice, I do even more Sherlock Holmes investigation, number 3, half the people he told me he knew have no idea who he is, and number four the guys been cheating on me the entire time so here's what happens. Now, I'm pissed off because I've been a hundred percent truthful in this relationship but not just that the guy was trying to make me feel bad and make me feel like the crazy person because I started to stand up for myself and ask questions. So I decide to confront him, and here's where romantic relationships with narcissist, toxic people and bullies get really complicated and difficult because when I confront him and I just let him know like, hey, I just want to let you know this relationship is done, but I do want to let you know that I know all of this in like I have found out the truth. This guy loses his mind in the scariest way I've ever seen another human being lose his mind. I'm talking like pulls out a gun, starts threatening to kill himself in front of me because if I leave, he can never live his life again. So now I'm struggling with guilt of like "Holy shit. Like if this guy actually does do this, because I walked away like what am I going to do? Like how am I going to sleep at night?". 

So because I'm scared to death and now this guy because his stories cant control me. He does this threat because I'm a normal human being. I care. I don't want you to hurt yourself. So, no, I'm not going to leave because I don't want you to hurt yourself, right? It's a form of control. So I stay in spite of everything I know about this person, I stay not because I love this person, but because now I'm scared for his life. There are so many stories of people who have been in friendships and relationships like this. So the longer I stay in this completely not committed to this person, more trying to find a way of like, how do I get out of this toxic situation. Come to find out. He had a family member pass away from drunk driving years prior, and he blames himself, because he did not drive that family member home when he was sober, he stayed at this party. He feels that if he wouldn't have stayed at the party that family member would still be alive if. So, what would happen is, he creates these stories in his mind out of survival because he has refused to feel and deal with the pain of loss and trauma that happened to him. So he's living his life and his every story he tells himself is from trying to function from the deep pain up within him. So instead of dealing with his pain, he causes other people pain. This is the most important thing to understand with people in relationships. People can only give you what they have inside of themselves. If people have fear, insecurities, pain, struggles, abuse, that has never been recognized or dealt with, they have no choice but then to throw that out there because there's nothing else inside. And God people, this is why it is so important for you to do the work and work on your own pain and trauma. So everybody in this world will stop walking around throwing their shit on other people and working out their trauma on other people. 

So, this is what happened to this guy, and I recognize it and like finally, like, light bulbs are going off. I'm like, this makes so much sense. This guy has so much pain and he hates himself so much that he makes up all these other stories and does everything else he possibly can because if he doesn't, he doesn't think he deserves love. He thinks he's too horrible of a human being because this terrible thing happened to him outside of his control, that he doesn't deserve love. So, to make other people think he deserves love, he tells about how much money he makes, he makes up the story. He over spends on people to try to get their love and attention and then when they call him on all of his bullshit they're like "Oh crap. She knows the truth that really this is all that I am as another human being and because I don't think that this is enough I now, therefore, have to threaten that if you leave me, I'm going to take my own life". Long story short, the way that I got out of the situation after many months of not knowing what to do. Because you're like, okay. And I mean, some people have been in this and it's not just about suicide, some people threaten other things and just to control you and keep you around. After about the third or fourth threat of this, in this exact same situation, and this guy is on the ground, crying. And I'm not saying it like from a good place. I mean this is a very scary situation. Threatens again to pull his gun out. If I walk out the door, the only way I did it was I just told him it is not my responsibility to teach you love. I can be loved and I can be here in this life and I can show you compassion and empathy but I can't do it for you and if you don't learn to do it for yourself now you're never going to learn that so I can't care more about your life and you staying alive than you do and I'm going to walk out this door and I'm not going to take responsibility for this because I've done everything I can to help and I'm not worried now.

Now I'm saying this to him because now I'm putting it on him but you better believe when I walked out the door all the way, I was like "Please dear God like give him a moment of enlightenment because I cannot handle this". Long story short, the guy still alive, it's been 8 years. He's now married, he has a kid and he still will every now and then find a way through social media to pop up and tell me that I'm the devil and I'm a cold heartless human being. Except for guess what? He's not doing the exact same thing to this wife that he's now with because that's what people do. Once you choose to remove yourself from a situation, they have a choice of you are now alone. You either have to take responsibility and grow your child's soul or they're like, nah, I don't want to do that. Instead, I'm going to find somebody else who will stay in the situation with me. You are not responsible. That's one thing you have to stop pretending like it is your job. To care more about other peoples life and well-being than they care for themselves. You showed up in this life from the exact same source. You have done the work, you continue to grow, you're listening to this podcast because you want to better yourself. That's the only person you're responsible for. How you treat others, you're responsible for but doing the work for them? That's no longer your responsibility. You got to let that go. Especially if it's keeping you in a toxic situation and tearing you down. You cant do anything about that. Unfortunately. 

All right this is getting long? So we're going to go to number 3. How to deal with people like this in your family, man, in your family! God It sucks when it's in your family because it's like man if you could just be normal, it doesn't have to be this way. But because you refuse, now were all stuck with dealing with this. So, with your family one of the things that trips people up the most is labels. I don't know how or why but in this life I am very grateful. I kind of showed up from childhood with no respect for authority and I mean that in a good way not like a rebellious way of just like my brain, literally didn't understand how another human being has any kind of power or say over another human being. So I mean, I wasn't the best student for teachers because their rules didn't make sense. So I didn't listen, if they didn't make sense. I was never the best employee to employers because of something to make sense I was like I'm not going to do this just for the sake of doing it. Like why am I doing this? So for me, it's the same thing with family. Just because you get the title of this family member, that doesn't mean that I'm just going to listen to anything that you say. I mean, I have a certain level of respect for human beings until you stop earning that respect and trust. I'm not going to trust you just because you have a title. Like, I think you think that that gives you the right for that, but not in my mind, in my mind, like, respect is given where ever I get it too. Like, that's just the way life works and it should work. So when it comes to your family, first thing you can do, and it takes practice because it's just hard with family, you love them, you care about them. But if you can remove the title and the first way I had to do this is I literally had to, like change in my phone, on social media, when I talk about this person, I had to stop calling them by this family title, and I just called them by their name, because if I just call them by their name, then my mind stops associating it with what I would normally identify as love, trust, support, loyalty, compassion and instead my mind now sees it as just another human being instead of constantly being disappointed because this person is not behaving in a way that somebody who holds this title should. 

So that's the first thing you can do. I know so many people that have gone to therapy for family members and I think a lot of it. And, I mean, I have told this family member this and I have told other people this of if this person wasn't in your family, How would you treat the situation? Like I would never put up with this, okay? Well, just because they were given a title in life, doesn't mean that they now are allowed to do that. And that's what you have to get with in your own mind, but then let them know that too. And assert yourself because until you assert yourself, this person will continue to treat yourself this way. So you have every right. Family member or not. If somebody is causing you that much pain and conflict, you have every right to cut yourself off from them, out of protection for your own mental and emotional health. You are not responsible to stay in a situation that is causing you your pain. And this goes back to the whole thing of stop caring more about other people's feelings than how you care about how it's making you feel like, what are you doing? Think about that. Why are you so concerned with them? But yet you don't have that same concern for yourself. So you have the right. There are plenty of times, this family member, I have blocked them from all of my social media, I have blocked them from my phone. I have literally had to put restraining orders in place and let other family members know like do not ever let this person come near me if I find out and I mean I've moved and not told this person my address and made it very clear to other family members. If this family member finds out where I live. I'm going to know they found out from you and I want you to know I am not joking about my boundaries, I will cut you off as well if you don't respect it because you don't understand what is happening here. 

So, you need to make sure that when you do things like this, whether it's family, it's a relationship, it's a friendship. Once you establish boundaries, you make sure that you are rock solid and holding them because if you're not serious about it the person you put those boundaries on aren't going to take you seriously either. And this is what you got to do in the beginning hardcore to let them know. I will not tolerate this behavior. I don't deserve this. It's not okay for you to treat other people this way, then over time you can take baby steps to reassert the trust. If you want, you do not have to so maybe little things like "All right, you can text me. Yes, I will allow you to text me. I am not going to share personal things about my life with you, but you can text me". And you slowly give them the opportunity to earn your trust back. But the second they betray you, the second they go back and default to their behavior because I can guarantee you that they will because its who they are. Most change that people make it's not real change it's just temporary. It's a game, especially with bullies and toxic people and narcissistic personalities. It's not real change. It's, "Oh, let me be this person so I can get what I want. But as soon as I get what I want, I'm gonna go right back to being who I've always been". So it's up to you to decide if you want to allow them back in and allow them to have your trust and then you can take baby steps, but then if they cross that line again, you put that boundary right back in place, and you don't feel bad about it at all. I don't care if it's your brother, your sister, your mom, your dad. Your great-grandma who's 95. There is no excuse for any human being to ever make another human being feel terrible or less than or unworthy or unvaluable. Ever. No matter what your title is. So put these boundaries in place. 

So the other thing that happens too, is you need to surround yourself with people who support your boundaries and support you asserting yourself. Not just that though but people who constantly remind you of who you truly are. When you're coming out of situations, whether you've been bullied, you've had a narcissistic person in your life. You've been in toxic relationships, you're a little bruised, you're a little hurt, you're sensitive, you're raw, you're vulnerable. What you need is support of people in your life, who help re-establish trust with you, who help remind you that there are good people in the world who let you know, hey, it is okay for you to have boundaries and still be loved because people confuse that they think, if they put boundaries in place, it means they'll end up alone and they won't be loved. That's not true. People who love you, one, won't treat you that way, two, they understand the boundaries are important for all of us and three, they will respect those boundaries and continue to show up and love you more because you have learned to love yourself more. You're showing them, you are setting the gauge for what you do and don't deserve in life. All the time, the level of love you expect is a level of love you're going to get. If you keep giving it away for free without putting up expectations, you're never going to get what you actually want in life. So you have to keep that in mind. Surround yourself with people, if you're like, "Hey, you know what? I can't, I can't listen to you bitch and complain all day long. It's not because I don't care about you, but this relationship is feeling really one-sided and I want to be here for you, but all it is is really me being there for you. And if you want to continue this friendship and this relationship or this family relationship, I need you to also be there for me. And I need to be able to call you and I need to be able to talk to you about things and for you to shut up and listen and give me advice and feedback too", and if they don't do that, tell them bye. And go find another friend that will because there are people out there who will do that for you. 

So an hour! wow, we're at an hour guys, this is the longest one we've ever done but I mean, whatever. So the last situation, I'll give you in regards to specifics around family members. And again, I hope it helps you just take a nugget from it and apply it to your own situation to help you in your life is, I had a very specific situation happen earlier this week that really really just I mean knocked me totally to my knees. Like just it was a bad day. It was just a bad day. I was already like working through some stuff. And this particular family member, you know, just woke up and felt like hurting somebody and I was the target of that. And sometimes this is what happens, it has nothing to do with you. It's just you showed up at a time that they were looking for somebody to target. So, turns into this entire nightmare of a screaming match than an hour-long of just I don't know. I'm not going to get too much into it, but just not a good situation. And here's the way that I handled it and I have had to learn to handle things this way because people like this will, number one, they're out of control, they feel out of control in their own life. And when they have moments that they are set off, you see it, most of it is out of control internally until it shows up and manifests itself externally. So, this person is just losing their mind, they're totally out of control, totally out of line, I have two choices in this situation. I can either match what they are doing, which is going to further escalate the situation and even though everything I want to do is totally match what they're doing and just put them in their place. I'm not going to do that. The reason I'm not going to do that is because two people are in the situation. One person is out of control. One of us needs to be in control before something really bad happens. So I'm like "God damn it, like everything in me right now. I kind of just want to like grab you by the shoulders. Sit you down and treat you like a child and put you in your place. But I see right now that you are losing your shit and we both cant do that. So I'm going to sit here and do my best to stay as neutral as I possibly can until this storm passes and try and work my way out of this. Just the first thing you do in situations with bullies and narcissists and one if this is physical, no do not sit there and be neutral. If somebody is physically hurting you fight back for yourself and then get out of the situation. So I just want to make that clear. That doesn't mean you just sit there and take physical abuse first off. I'm talking about things that are not physical, but if you were in a physical situation, you defend yourself and then you remove yourself from the situation, okay? Alright, that's clear. If it's not physical. You try and remain as neutral as possible? Hold your ground. Stay in your power because you got to understand bullies, narcissists and toxic people. When they are in this state of mind. They are not well, they are not seeing reality for what it is. They have no idea what they're saying. And if you try and assert yourself or give them any kind of logic, they can't see it. There might literally in their mind it goes to some repressed place of trauma that they are in some weird twisted way bringing into this present reality, and it's like a weird Twilight Zone type feeling because when you are on the outside, you can see it happening. You cant do anything about it, you have to let them just totally spiral and go to this dark place. And I mean, unfortunately, like you were on the receiving end of it and you have to do the best you can do just like, nope, I cant react. I cannot react to this because things are going to get out of hand, and I just got to sit here. Stay neutral because right now, I know that they're not safe and I need to keep us safe. 

So, you do this. You then when the storm is past, you remove yourself from the situation. So in this particular situation it's exactly what I did. I sat1 there and I want to also make it clear just because you're staying neutral and staying in control in those situations. It does not mean that you're not feeling, you're still feeling every single punch is getting thrown at you. You still feel the hurt and the pain, the betrayal and rejection, you are choosing to feel it outside of that situation. Because again, these types of people, it is not safe for you to expose vulnerability or any moment of emotion in front of them because all it does is it makes them feel more fuel, more powerful, and more in control of you. It's a very hard thing to do, but if you can do it, that's going to be the best thing for you. So once the storm has passed. Like adrenaline is running through my body, I'm like pacing because I know I got to like, deal with this. I go take a walk and I find a corner somewhere that I'm not going to be bothered and I just cry my eyes out and I just let it all go, because I know its a safe spot. I know if I can just like, get rid of all this then I can get to a place of being grounded and I can handle it and come from a better place. So I do all this. And now I'm stuck with the choice and here's where you get to especially again. Were really were talking about family. 

Now you're stuck with a choice. You felt the pain, you were the receiver of the pain. Now what are you going to do with this pain? What are you going to do with this pain and with this experience. You can reciprocate it, you can storm back in and tell that person everything that's on your mind and honestly, I wouldn't blame you. It's totally justified if you do and I actually made an Instagram post about this the other day. You're 100% justified. If you do that, yeah, go in there, punch them, yell at them, cut them down and make them feel like shit about being a human, everything that they did to you, you can go in there and do that except for, you know what? You're probably not going to and you know why? Because you don't actually want to hurt anybody, especially somebody that you love. You don't want to cause pain on somebody that you care about. So you have a choice in this moment when things like this happen to you of what are you going to do with the pain that you were given, or you going to transform it and turn it into an opportunity to love deeper for yourself? Love more for others. Have more compassion for others, or you going to use it as an opportunity to act. As if you're not stronger than that, to be able to turn it into something better. This isn't just about situations like this is anything in life. Any time in life, you would have a terrible experience and experience that causes you to totally just have heartbreak and to be knocked down and to just feel like I had no idea life could be this hard. What are you going to do with that experience? Are you going to walk around for the rest of your life and use this as an excuse as to why you don't have the things that you want, why you don't deserve love, why you don't have whatever ideas situation or relationship that you have? Are you going to use it as an opportunity to learn how to step up, be the bigger person, dig deep, look in the mirror? process everything that's happened to you and then ask yourself "I know that I was just told this that I'm unlovable. I know that I was told I have all these problems and all these things are wrong with me that I need to fix. I know that someone just caused me so much pain that I was undeserving of. I know that this person did it because they have their own pain and insecurities but now that all that has passed look in the mirror and ask yourself, what do I think? who do I think I am? what do I think that I am? how do I see myself? Because your answer to that is all that matters. 

How you show up in the world, in spite of what you've been through. How you treat people in spite of how you have been treated. How you love in spite of how you have been shown love. So in this moment when I'm sitting here and I'm like trying to figure out like how to process this and I'm totally heartbroken and just exhausted and sad because I know that like it doesn't have to be this way but I can't fix this for this person. I cant show them how to love themselves. I can't teach them to acknowledge and accept the pain that they have been through and feel it so that they can heal it and then actually see the love that they're given in their family every single day. And that's just it, people who don't love themselves cannot recognize when love is being given to them. So, if you have a family member who has some sort of personality trait of a bully or narcissist or is toxic or negative or whatever, keep in mind, you can only recognize what you have, pain recognizes pain. Love recognizes love, enlightenment, awareness, trust. That's the way it works. It's the whole concept of like attracts like, misery loves company. So, if you're giving love to somebody that can't see it, and they tell you all the reasons you're failing at loving them, it's because they don't love themselves. It doesn't mean that you're a failure or you're less of a human being. 

So wrapping this up. So I'm sitting here and I'm like, in my little spot taking a walk, and I'm done crying. And I'm just kind of like pacing back and forth outside of like, "Right I have to go back to reality. I got some space. I know how I feel about me. I know who I am. I know that I would never treat somebody this way. So what am I going to do with this experience? What am I going to do with this pain?" And in that moment, I was like "You know what? this would make for a really great podcast episode" because I know, I am not the only person who has ever dealt with this type of personality, in my life and been in this type of situation. So if I can use this experience to share it with others, in a way that gives you a feeling of one, you're not alone in this and whatever. Whatever part of these stories, you related to your not alone in it. So if I can share these things and help you feel that connectedness then it's worth my time. Then I've done something with this pain and I've turned it into a way to contribute, make the world a better place. And that's what you have, a choice of two. Every time you feel a certain way, every time you're feeling knocked down every time somebody tries to make you feel bad about yourself. What do you want to do with it? What do you want to do with that pain and that experience? And how are you going to be the stronger bigger person so that you are not also somebody else that shows up in this world just infusing pain in the world because you feel pain. Make the world a better place. We don't need more people walking around with like broken hearts and pain because they won't shine some light on it. Look at it, its not that scary. There's also some love in there too, but so in that, I guess. My whole point and to really wrap all the stuff is I just after I got to that place and just like releasing it and I decided like, all right, I'm going to use this experience and share it and hope that it helps others. This experience is not going to go to waste. I've got to place of deep gratitude. Gratitude for my own souls journey of I am so grateful for the growth that my soul has had to gone through the lessons I have had to learn in this life to even be able to acknowledge and be aware of this. So that I do have a choice. So that I'm not a victim to these situations and neither are you and it's really a very beautiful place to be. Because when you're not part of that program or you're not, you're not identifying with who people say that you are or what they say that you are. It means you no longer a part of that belief system, you're no longer part of that identity. You have chosen your identity and who you believe you are for yourself and that is something huge to be grateful for. So I got to this place of gratitude and then ya decided I was just going to make this the next podcast episode. 

So with that to kind of wrap this up, to you, if you have ever been bullied, you ever dealt with a narcissist, if you ever have ever been in the situation where you have been verbally, emotionally, or physically abused and instead of becoming what you have experienced and giving that to others the same treatment that you have been given. And instead you have chosen to do the work to dig deep to find your own truth, your own inner strength and you haven't let those experiences change you. And instead you've let those experiences, make you love deeper show up more authentically in this world. You've showed up brighter? and you continue to get up and love yourself and trust yourself and just to be the person that you've always been, in spite of what's happened to you. If that's you then I applaud you, I commend you. I'm cheering you on because I know how hard it is to have experiences like that and then to go through it and continue to stay true to who you are because it would be so much easier to be just like everybody else.Of just giving pain for pain for getting hurt for hurt for giving anger and resentment. But instead, you've chosen to acknowledge your pain, to acknowledge your insecurities and your fear and to find love for yourself, in spite of that. So that you can love others. Instead of hurting others, that in itself, if you accomplish nothing else in this life, you've won, you have found self-love. So I wanted to do this podcast episode to share that with you of just good job friend, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of who you are and proud that you show up. And you even listen to podcasts, like this to become a better person because 99% of the population doesn't, you are part of the 1% and as part of the 1%, I'm honestly, like, I'm kind of speechless because if you think about like, the amount of people who don't do that, it really makes you appreciate and have gratitude for the people who do so I am grateful for you. I truly am grateful that you listen to this podcast and give me the opportunity to show up in your day and whatever your week is starting off on or ending on depending on when you listen to this, I hope that you take some time today to just appreciate your own journey and what you have gone through and overcome in the intention of being a better person and really making this world a better place. 

All right, that was a lot. Hour and 15 minutes. Wow, we got deep guys, if you have not already I would love if you leave me a review on this podcast and let me know what you like what you would like to hear more of what you didn't like. Also if you have somebody in your life that could benefit from hearing this podcast and make an impact to make this world a better place then share it with them. I mean, that's the only whole intention behind this but, thank you. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like that was enough and I really have anything else to say. Thank you. I'll leave it at that. Have a fantastic rest of your day and rest your weekend. And I will see you in the next episode, guys. 

Here's to Creating a Body & Life You Love,

Ashley Drummonds

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