Today I was reflecting on my life and different lessons and journeys I have already experienced…as I did, I felt my soul searching, as I believe everyone always does, but I felt like all the things I do, act and strive to be are not fully done out of love and passion, but are done more of trying to be enough. Trying to reach that point where I officially have been and done everything I can do to be perfect. I sometimes push myself to work hard even when my body is telling me to rest simply in pursuit of trying to fit a “perfect” persona of what I would imagine every woman wants their body to look like. Even that in turn, is just to win the attention of an active pursuer and ultimately gain the love of their life. I strive in businesses and overload my schedule hoping to make enough money, accomplish enough at a young age, to be enough that would make others proud or give that “well done I am impressed” comment when I really could care less. I save money like crazy hoping that maybe if I have enough money saved I’ll be financially free, on my way to an early retirement, always striving to do more and be better as if who I am right now is not good enough or deserving of love.
I live life as a people pleaser and do stuff I don’t feel like doing simply because I don’t want to make the other person uncomfortable or hurt the other person’s feelings instead of realizing I am hurting myself by doing that. I get to a point, where I hear my heart and soul tell me to just stop. You know, when you get tired and you feel like you are trying to be everything to everyone and even then it doesn’t feel like enough?
The thing I realized is our mind tells us a lot of these things, society tells us a lot of this that we have to be more than what we already are, but the truth is I don’t have to do or be anything other than myself. For the past few years, I have done all I can to win love and win approval by being “the best”, being successful, making enough money realizing that the people’s approval I was trying to win aren’t even in my life anymore or don’t care what I do. The people who are in my life who sincerely love and value me actually don’t care at all about any of the other things I do to try and “win” their love or approval which are ultimately the kind of people I want in my life. I have always had this fear that if I just changed careers, quit businesses, decided to never work out again (probably won’t happen lol), moved away, or re-invented myself that some how I would lose love from others. When the truth is you can never lose love because it is who you are and it is who I am. We all have it and we have this false belief or sense of needing to prove that we deserve to be loved by doing all of these things hopping it’s good enough and that’s not the case.
To be continued tomorrow….but for now just know that you are love and you are enough as you are right now.