I am writing solely from my own journey and view points not to judge anyone else’s life or journey, but to help better understand my own journey and hope to help anyone else with similar struggles.
I feel frustrated and overwhelmed with a need to run and a need to stay stagnant at the same time. I re-entered the world of music inside of me last night by playing piano, learning songs, singing and writing and today I woke up with a part of me wanting to walk away from fitness and everything to do with vanity. My soul loves music and loves connection and up to this point I hadn’t really allowed that part of me to be explored all that much…not on purpose, but more out of habit of pursuing other things. Today, I lost my motivation, my care, and drive to talk about business, to talk about workouts and body fats, to talk about nutrition and anything else along those lines. I truly think the fitness industry can be a great thing, but today I think it’s stupid. I think it’s stupid the amount of emphasis that gets put on people’s bodies and how little emphasis gets put on people’s souls. Who cares if your body fat is slightly lower than your neighbors…are you happy? Who cares if you can win a trophy for your body….is your heart happy? Do you feel accomplished if you don’t go to the gym or do you feel guilty? I honestly am tired of feeling guilty and tired of feeling the need to perform to “fit in”. Exercise and nutrition is a way to respect and nourish your body, but you have to balance it with a way to nourish your soul. I started out years ago wanting to just do something healthy for myself to get through a divorce, then somewhere along the way I became obsessed with it and became the only side of me I let out. Why? Because the more you play into one side without nurturing the other will naturally kill of one side of you and strengthen the other. The more I worked out the leaner I wanted to be, then it became my new hobby, then it became a business, then it became all I talked about, then I obsessed about everything I ate and how many hours I logged in the gym each day to make sure I was still worthy of that one glass of wine with the extra 150 calories. I spent my free time researching new workouts and new ways to break in the fitness industry. When I spent time with family and friends I talked about my workouts and my nutrition or my clients and business…all having everything to do with fitness. I stopped playing the piano, I stopped writing, I stopped singing, I stopped makeup, I stopped pictures, I stopped all of it. Not on purpose, but simply because it was all being replaced by something else. I then began to surround myself with other fitness people and other gym rats like myself who all did the same thing with their life and all we did was talk about fitness and health.
I believe we all get or got into the fitness industry or weight loss to help us through hard times in life as a positive tool and somewhere along the way we ignore the other part of is that desperately wants to be fed as well. We all go through periods of needing to be what society calls “selfish” as we experience change or transition. However, our sole purpose here is to love and nourish our souls so we can connect on deeper levels with life and each other. If we are not doing that then what is the point? For attention? For trophies and for others to envy our bodies or accomplishments? The irony is the majority of us or the majority of people I have come across who are longing for acceptance and love do not even realize that they themselves are the reason they lack love and cannot seem to keep it in their own lives. We all do this by not loving and accepting ourselves without certain conditions. I have done this to myself by choosing to only love and accept myself if I worked out 5-6 days that week, ate clean 80% of the time, got 8 hours of sleep, did something productive every day, and built business in some way each week. If not, then I felt guilty and like I sucked at life pretty much. We are our own worst critics and we do not need anyone else telling us the ways in which they think we are lacking in life. I once read that criticism never accomplishes much of anything because regardless of what’s being said criticism always leaves one person as better than and the other person as less than when we are all equal.The biggest thing I have learned in working within the fitness industry is that a lot of times those who seem to have it all figured out and held together the most with the perfect nutrition, perfect physique, perfect regimen are usually the ones who deep down want to be loved and accepted for something other than their bodies. However, until we learn to accept ourselves from the inside out we will continue to create patterns and relationships that give us the opposite. You get what you send out into life so if you choose to judge others based on their exterior shell and to only love those who YOU think are worth loving then you will only receive love by those who think you are worth loving when reality is at our very core we are all love and all we really have in this life is the loving relationships we create. The love we all seek, but very few of us will admit to, is within us…once we accept that love then life will provide us with more love from everything else then we knew existed. It’s as if we are all under this illusion or lie that we came into this world not good enough and the whole purpose of life is to prove our worth either through our looks, money, accomplishments, friendships, or whatever when the truth is that the purpose of life is simply accepting our worth.
I write all of this because I got into the fitness industry to help myself then to help others get in great shape, but along the way I have had the opportunity to hear many stories and at the center of all of it is simply the desire to be loved. Not so much loved by others, loved by society, but simply they want to love themselves and are looking for it by “fixing” their bodies all while the acceptance and love is an inside workout not a physical one.
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